Journal Entry Number:
by Malicious Maelstrom
Summary: Journal Entry written in Allen's point of view on certain topics through his life. Second one: Hate  "Is it wrong to hate?"
1. Second Choice

**These are just short stories that I am using as practice for other genres.**

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><p><strong>April 1, 2011<strong>

**Online Journal Entry #1**

To those of you who are reading, my name is Allen Walker. I am starting this online journal, in hopes of having a productive way of ventilating any pent up emotions I may have. This is so I may not explode at anyone later on in life. I am not sure how often I will update this journal, but I will try my best. The purpose of this being on my computer, is that is it is much easier to hide than a notebook journal.

The reason why I am starting this journal is a very simple one, I had a dream not too long ago. It started appearing in my head a little after I said goodnight to my boyfriend of nine months, Lavi, through AIM. In this dream I had, I saw us sitting together. We were sitting on the carpeted floor in my room, and the foot of my bed. Lavi didn't look at me, and I didn't look at him. Both of our eyes were fixed of the black television screen. In this dream, Lavi said, without looking at me, that he talked to his ex-boyfriend today.

His ex, Kanda Yuu, said that he wanted to try again. Kanda wanted them to try and be a couple again. Then, Lavi told me that he said it would think about. This may have been just a dream, but the overwhelming emotion of sorrow washed over me. I started feeling a stinging sensation over my eyes, and that was when I realized that I was holding back tears. Silly, isn't it? To cry because of a dream I had...Still, I had felt no betrayal when I heard this. Maybe it isn't fair to Lavi, but there was always this doubt lingering with me. That Lavi really, truly, didn't liked me. That I was nothing more than a rebound, in hopes of him reconnecting his shattered heart.

Heh, look that this. The stinging sensation behind my eyes came back.

Nonetheless, I have emotionally prepared myself for such a time. When Lavi would just throw me away if Kanda ever wanted to get back together with him. It isn't that I don't trust Lavi emotionally, far from that in fact. It's just that...it's just I can't help but _compare_ myself to Kanda.

Kanda is so much better looking that me.

Kanda is stronger than me.

Kanda doesn't have any deformities.

Kanda...isn't a freak like I am.

I have white hair, a red crusted arm, and a pentacle scar going over my eye. Kanda is a good looking _normal_ person. Why wouldn't Lavi like Kanda back?

And, a part of me still firmly believe that Lavi never stopped liking Kanda. Kanda was the one who broke it of after all. Sometimes, when we talked about him and Kanda relationship, Lavi said that he was kinda glad Kanda broke up with him. Lavi that it helped him grow more attracted to me, and that he has had more fun with me than he ever had with Kanda.

The only part that truly stuck with me was when Lavi said kinda. Maybe I am just overreacting, but I feel like Lavi wished that never happened. That he still wished that they were together; that he would rather be with Kanda, than with me.

I like to tell myself that I am okay with that. A part of me is, I always did imagine myself as a person who didn't date. Hell, I didn't event think about dating anyone until I met Lavi. The other part of me, is sadden that I am nothing but a second choice. Before Lavi and Kanda met, Lavi did like. Or, had a huge crush on me as Lenalee put it. This should feel as some sort of reassurance, but it doesn't. It feels like I the fall back, in case that things didn't work out.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay...with being second choice. I was second choice in going to the movies with one of my best friends, with going to Chaoji's sleepover since someone canceled at the last minute. I am also second choice to my parents affections, my brother Neah is far better than I am. So, I'm okay with being Lavi's second choice of a relationship.

Look at this, I'm crying at the keyboard now...


	2. Hate

**I'm thinking about re-doing my story "No Changes." I feel like I could do so much better on it.**

**If you see any mistakes please do inform and I will fix them right away.**

**Also, these stories will be spread apart at the start and then become much more...orderly-for the lack of a better word-later on.**

**Please enjoy!**

**April 24, 2011**

**Online Journal Entry #2**

To those of you who are reading this at the moment, I hope you do forgive me for taking a bit on actually writing another entry. It's just the lack of inspiration and free time to write, that have been keeping me away. To be honest, I only started writing this journal on a whim when I had that dream. Sure, I could have gone on blogging sites such as Blogger and tumblr but, I feel that it's pointless. My rants and feelings aren't something that should be broadcast on the world wide web.

But rather, on a private journal on my computer that may, or may not be found in the near future.

My life hasn't been too eventful that past two weeks when I wrote the last entry; I have been busy with Lavi. In those past two weeks, my confidence has been boosted unbeknownst to him. We were in my kitchen, after our rather humorous attempt at sex-which had failed by the way. I was busy doing the dishes because I'd rather not tempt my Master's temper. Lavi was just there to keep me company. When I had finished washing the dishes, the soft thudding sound of cups against counter tops reached my ear. It seemed Lavi pulled out two tea cups, and then took the two litter of Pepsi I left out.

"Let's be fancy while drinking soda!" He said with a goofy grin on his face as he poured the soda. I rolled my eyes and laughed at him. Lavi was such a dork sometimes.

So, we just sat on my kitchen floor, talking about anything. Somehow along the line, we ended up talking about his and Kanda's relationship. Apparently, Lavi was glad they were over and he knew the break up was going to happen soon.

He told me that, Kanda didn't like being around him much and, whenever Lavi tried to talk to him Kanda would listen for a short while, get bored and do something else (for example watch TV as Lavi spoke.) Kanda also didn't like going out very much, as he would rather stay home and train. Lavi, was a people person and loved going out into the world.

Though, that conversation made me very happy and hateful to myself for dreaming such things, it was not the reason why I am writing this journal today. That reason, is an entirely different one.

To start of with, I ask you a single question.

Is it wrong to hate?

Why am I asking this? The answer is a simple one, I hate Lavi's family. I find them truly disgusting people.

While Lavi was at his parents for the weekend (he lives with his grandparents until graduation.), his sister said she read all of _The Series of Unfortunate Events_. Lavi, knowing his sister is a lair, quizzed her. She got mad at being proven wrong, and when she went over to their grandparents, she told them that Lavi said "Fuck you" to her. They then, proceeded to call him and yell at him for doing such a thing.

I hate her.

At the dinner table, Lavi was having a family lunch. His brother and his girlfriend are supposedly getting married soon. Yes, sounds sweet but please, keep in mind their ages. She is 15 and he is 16, they both have been together for four months. His brother is going to learn how to play the piano, from what Lavi said. His parents praised Lavi's brother. Calling him talented and supporting their decision to get married.

But, when Lavi mentions our relationship of being nerdy, and having lots of fun online and in person and, how utterly happy he is they told him to get a life.

I hate them.

Maybe, I am overreacting but, when I hear comments like that _from his own parents_, a deep stirring arises within me.

Why the hell can't they be happy for him? Lavi's sister is a spoiled brat who gets no discipline, his brother failing integrated classes (which he got into them on purpose) prone to tempter fits and carries a knife with him. Why do they get special treatment, while Lavi gets nothing?

Lavi is in college bound classes and passing all of them flawlessly. Lavi helps people with their chores, Lavi is a good person.

But, is it because he is different? Is it because Lavi is an Atheist? Is it because he is gay?

Are those the reasons? If they are, then those aren't good reasons at all, to be treated like crap.


End file.
